Go, grapevine!

[I'm not sure if I have any non-Mormon readers these days, but be warned that this post will delve into Mormon culture. It could be a bit confusing if you're not familiar with it.]

 

I don't like telling people that I have multiple sclerosis. It's not because I don't want people to know; I don't care one way or the other. It's because it's such a conversation killer. You can be having a peasant chat about the weather, but it's kind of hard to get things back on track after you tell someone that your immune system sometimes randomly attacks the protein sheath around your nerves, thus disrupting the transmission of electrical signals through your nervous system, thus resulting in episodes of disability that tend to come and go during the early stages of the disease but can then become gradually but steadily worse over time, but this is all fairly unpredictable and I've actually done pretty well for the past twenty years except that I sometimes can't walk or climb stairs as well as I would like. Oh, but anyway, it sure does get cold here in Minnesota, doesn't it?

 

See what I mean? It's pretty much impossible to get things back on track after that. That's why, when someone makes a comment about how I'm not moving very fast or how I seem to be limping, I simply give them some lame explanation (Ha! "Lame," get it?) about my legs not always working as well as I would like. It just makes for a more pleasant conversation. (One of these days, I need to do a post about how happy Lindsey is that I have MS, but that's a story for another time.)

 

It's the same way with the divorce. Yes, I'm getting divorced. There's no way to cover that up, and it's even more significant in Mormon culture than in the world generally. Somewhere along the line, people notice that Stace hasn't been around much, and they ask if she's doing okay. I hate, hate, HATE that moment when I have to tell them that well, actually, we're getting divorced, she's already moved out, I have physical custody of the kids, but both of us will still play a significant role in the kids' lives, we're not fighting, there won't be any courtroom battles, and so forth. It's not the answer that people expect, of course, and they're shocked to hear it. They need time to process the information. They don't know what to say. They want to say something helpful, but they're afraid they'll say the wrong thing. I feel bad for them, and I hate putting people in that situation.

 

That's why, although the grapevine is usually a bad thing, I actually want it to do what it's designed to do, which is to spread the news quickly and indiscriminately. Let's get it out there! The news is somewhat getting out there in our current ward, the Farmington Ward, because Tanner has been talking about it with the youth, which is a good thing. Families without youth still probably don't know for the most part. Also, Stace hasn't been a huge presence in the Farmington Ward since we came back, so it won't be as shocking.

 

I think the news will have a bigger impact in our pre-Switzerland ward, the Lakeville Ward. We lived there for many years, and there are a lot of people there who are close to Stace and who go way back with her. I've encountered a couple of Lakeville people because both wards meet in the same building. I can immediately tell who knows and who doesn't know. People who know talk to me differently, sort of a mix of, "Wow, I'm very sorry you have to go through that," and "Wow, you kind of messed up the most important thing that you were supposed to get right." But at least I don't have to shock them with the news.

 

I was at the church for a while last night while the kids both had activities. I spent some time chatting with a member of the Lakeville Ward who's been there for a long time. He obviously didn't know. I kept thinking to myself, "What's the protocol here? Is it inconsiderate of me not to tell him? When he finds out later, will he feel slighted that I acted like things were perfectly normal?" I didn't tell him. I didn't want to have that moment of bringing a screeching halt to what was otherwise a pleasant conversation.

 

I guess I have three choices about how to spread the word in Lakeville: 1) place an item in the Lakeville Ward bulletin; 2) have Gretchen stand up in Sunday School and make an announcement to the ward all at once; or 3) have a plane with a banner fly over the church on Sunday as people are arriving for their meetings. I'll give some thought to which of those approaches would be best.