I knew it!

The National Security Agency has been in the news a lot lately for its extensive tracking of emails, phone calls, and other communications.  Those are good discussions to have.  How much of our privacy do we want to give up in the name of security?

Along those same lines, I've long suspected that the Church has a clandestine program for tracking the movements and activities of the adult single members of the Church to make sure they're staying out of trouble and that they're doing their very best to get married, maybe through electronic devices implanted in our brains or under our skin.  You might think I'm being paranoid, but I got undeniable confirmation of this program yesterday.

As I was leaving the temple yesterday afternoon, a couple of women were partially blocking the path to my car, so I excused myself as I squeezed past them.  After I'd taken a couple of steps, one of them called out, "Are you a single?"  Unsure as to whether she was talking to me, I stopped and looked back at her.  She was probably about my age.  Indeed, she was talking to me.  Holy cow, I thought to myself.  It's true!  I'm emitting some sort of tracking signal that says "singleness," and that woman has some means of reading the signal!  It slowly dawned on me that the session I had attended had been attended by a group of single members.  So I told her that I was single but that I wasn't there with the group of singles.  She told me that they were having a picnic after the session and that I should come.  I thanked her for the invitation but declined.  I'm not ready for something like that right now (if ever).  She said cheerfully, "Okay, but it could be a missed opportunity."  I still passed.

I need to do more research into this program.  I'm not sure at what age tracking beings.  They probably don't track young singles, those thirty years of age and under.  The Church probably doesn't start worrying about you until you get older, like me.  I'm not sure how they implanted the tracking device.  I'm a pretty light sleeper.  They probably got me sometime during my trip to Utah; that would be much easier for them.  I was talking to a single member yesterday and asked her about the tracking program.  She seemed to think that I was being a little over the top, but I don't think so.  You're not paranoid if they really are watching you all the time, right?

Anyway, you certainly aren't going to read anything about this in the Deseret News, but keep an eye on the Salt Lake Tribune.  I'm going to break this thing wide open.