Lindsey threw up at school one day last week, so she had to come home. Stace brought her home and stayed with her. She seemed fine, though, so we figured she was faking it. She was sick again the day after that, so she had to come home again. This time, I brought her home. She again mostly seemed fine.
Fast forward to Monday night, when Lindsey woke me up at 2:30 in the morning to tell me that she'd thrown up on her bedroom floor. Ugh. So, she stayed home from school again on Tuesday. Stace stayed with her. When I took her to school this morning, she seemed sluggish and said that her stomach hurt again. This was starting to get old after eight days of on-again, off-again sickness. The nurse called even before school started today to say that Lindsey was sick again. I brought her home and stayed with her. I finally took her in for a strep test, and sure enough, she has strep. I was so relieved! We can now medicate this problem out of existence, and maybe I can stop missing so much work.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Lindsey's view of the world
I continue to worry about Lindsey. Her counselor tells me that the "I hate you" language is a little less benign than I was thinking. Lindsey blames me for the fact that Stace moved out. Lindsey and I had a good talk while we were out doing some work in the garden this afternoon. I tried to explain to her that once we knew we were getting divorced, Mom and I talked and decided that it would be best for the kids if she moved out instead of me. In Lindsey's mind, though, that explanation doesn't pass the smell test.
Here's her logical thinking: Mom moved out. Mom would never choose to move out. Therefore, Dad forced Mom to move out. It makes perfect sense to Lindsey. During our chat, I tried to explain to her that it was a decision that Stace and I made together and that it makes Stace sad to be away. I'm not sure if my message got through, but I'll keep trying. The counselor thinks it's bad for my long-term relationship with Lindsey to have her keep telling me she hates me, so I need to try to rephrase those comments as something like, "So, you mean you're frustrated/mad/upset with me?"
The ward is keeping an eye on Lindsey. In a few minutes, she's going to go out with one of the members and her elderly mother, who lives with the family. The mother is one of Lindsey's activity day leaders. She's depressed. Her husband died many years ago, and she feels like she doesn't have a purpose in life. She's going to spend some time with Lindsey on occasion. They like being together. I think they can help each other.
In some good news, Lindsey has gotten excited about reading a book she got from her birth father for Christmas. The book won a Newbery award. It's called "Moon Over Manifest." (Lindsey just wandered in and learned that I was writing a blog entry about her book, so she wanted to make sure I mentioned the name of the book. Done.) Lindsey's birth father knows the author, so she autographed a copy and addressed it to Lindsey. It's above Lindsey's reading level, but she's excited to read it. That's wonderful. Lindsey struggles so much with reading that she never does it voluntarily. It's not fun for her.
But that reminds me of a task that I've been dreading and putting off: I need to tell Lindsey's birth parents about the divorce. They don't know about the blog, and I haven't told them anything yet, so they don't know about the divorce. (I've set up the blog so that you can't find it with a Google search. You have to know the URL.) Not only have we failed the kids; we've also failed their birth parents. It's time for me to tell them.
Here's her logical thinking: Mom moved out. Mom would never choose to move out. Therefore, Dad forced Mom to move out. It makes perfect sense to Lindsey. During our chat, I tried to explain to her that it was a decision that Stace and I made together and that it makes Stace sad to be away. I'm not sure if my message got through, but I'll keep trying. The counselor thinks it's bad for my long-term relationship with Lindsey to have her keep telling me she hates me, so I need to try to rephrase those comments as something like, "So, you mean you're frustrated/mad/upset with me?"
The ward is keeping an eye on Lindsey. In a few minutes, she's going to go out with one of the members and her elderly mother, who lives with the family. The mother is one of Lindsey's activity day leaders. She's depressed. Her husband died many years ago, and she feels like she doesn't have a purpose in life. She's going to spend some time with Lindsey on occasion. They like being together. I think they can help each other.
In some good news, Lindsey has gotten excited about reading a book she got from her birth father for Christmas. The book won a Newbery award. It's called "Moon Over Manifest." (Lindsey just wandered in and learned that I was writing a blog entry about her book, so she wanted to make sure I mentioned the name of the book. Done.) Lindsey's birth father knows the author, so she autographed a copy and addressed it to Lindsey. It's above Lindsey's reading level, but she's excited to read it. That's wonderful. Lindsey struggles so much with reading that she never does it voluntarily. It's not fun for her.
But that reminds me of a task that I've been dreading and putting off: I need to tell Lindsey's birth parents about the divorce. They don't know about the blog, and I haven't told them anything yet, so they don't know about the divorce. (I've set up the blog so that you can't find it with a Google search. You have to know the URL.) Not only have we failed the kids; we've also failed their birth parents. It's time for me to tell them.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
De-fanging the words
Like most people who have had at least one visit with a therapist during their lives, I now figure that it's time for me to start playing amateur pop psychiatrist based on the kids' visit on Tuesday. I've decided to try to take the power out of Lindsey's statements that she hates me and that she wishes I'd moved out instead of Mom. Like I said before, it doesn't bother me when she makes those statements; in fact, I figure that if I'm her outlet, I should encourage her to unload on me whenever she's having trouble.
So since Tuesday, I've taken the initiative a couple of times to ask her if she still wishes I'd moved out instead of Mom or if she still hates me. I've been a little surprised when she's answered "No." She wouldn't take the bait. Maybe she's felt better since then, or maybe she's still afraid that she'll hurt my feelings. But today after church, we had a minor dust-up about how big her snack could be just before we headed over to the home of some friends for dinner this afternoon. She wanted a huge snack, but I limited her to just a bagel.
That prompted a major overreaction, which is to be expected from time to time. That's when she decided to unload. She said that she hates me, that she's mad at me, that she wants Mom, and that she wanted to smother my face with her pillow. But she was hugging me and holding tight to me while she said all of that. She got it out of her system, and now she's upstairs happily reading a book to her friend on the phone, so I think we got through it okay.
So since Tuesday, I've taken the initiative a couple of times to ask her if she still wishes I'd moved out instead of Mom or if she still hates me. I've been a little surprised when she's answered "No." She wouldn't take the bait. Maybe she's felt better since then, or maybe she's still afraid that she'll hurt my feelings. But today after church, we had a minor dust-up about how big her snack could be just before we headed over to the home of some friends for dinner this afternoon. She wanted a huge snack, but I limited her to just a bagel.
That prompted a major overreaction, which is to be expected from time to time. That's when she decided to unload. She said that she hates me, that she's mad at me, that she wants Mom, and that she wanted to smother my face with her pillow. But she was hugging me and holding tight to me while she said all of that. She got it out of her system, and now she's upstairs happily reading a book to her friend on the phone, so I think we got through it okay.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Major withdrawal ahead
This has been a crazy busy week with barely enough time to breathe. I even had to ask Stace to put in a special appearance last night to help me get everyone where they needed to go and to get everything done. (She's not usually here on Wednesdays.) I'm three days behind on reading the newspaper again, which is a sign that things are pretty crazy.
Somewhere in the middle of all of this, I realized that I'm going to fall off of a cliff in late June when the kids head to Utah for several weeks. I'll go from not having a spare moment to having so much time to myself that I won't know what to do. Stace won't be going to Utah at all this year. Grandparents, aunts, and uncles are all generously pitching in to help take care of the kids during a good chunk of the summer. I'll be out there for a couple of weeks, but I obviously can't take three months off of work.
Stace and the kids have spent the past several summers in Utah to make life easier for her, so I'd gotten used to being away from the kids for a long stretch, but it feels different this time. Since I'm the sole parent the majority of the time, those two little monsters depend on me. It'll be weird to suddenly be without that. I'll have to figure out how to fill the void.
It was easy in Switzerland. Every Saturday, I'd hop a train and ride through the Alps or visit the Matterhorn or Geneva or something along those lines. This summer, my only train option will be to ride the light rail from the Mall of America to the Warehouse District in downtown Minneapolis. That doesn't quite have the same appeal. Maybe I'll just have to go to every Twins home game or read every Shakespeare play or something like that.
Somewhere in the middle of all of this, I realized that I'm going to fall off of a cliff in late June when the kids head to Utah for several weeks. I'll go from not having a spare moment to having so much time to myself that I won't know what to do. Stace won't be going to Utah at all this year. Grandparents, aunts, and uncles are all generously pitching in to help take care of the kids during a good chunk of the summer. I'll be out there for a couple of weeks, but I obviously can't take three months off of work.
Stace and the kids have spent the past several summers in Utah to make life easier for her, so I'd gotten used to being away from the kids for a long stretch, but it feels different this time. Since I'm the sole parent the majority of the time, those two little monsters depend on me. It'll be weird to suddenly be without that. I'll have to figure out how to fill the void.
It was easy in Switzerland. Every Saturday, I'd hop a train and ride through the Alps or visit the Matterhorn or Geneva or something along those lines. This summer, my only train option will be to ride the light rail from the Mall of America to the Warehouse District in downtown Minneapolis. That doesn't quite have the same appeal. Maybe I'll just have to go to every Twins home game or read every Shakespeare play or something like that.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Counseling for the kids
The kids had their first counseling session last night. I won't go into detail about every session that the kids have, but I thought it might be helpful for me to give an update on how they're doing now that I have some better insight.
According to the counselor, Tanner is actually doing as well as he seems to be doing. He's always seemed fine to me, but I just figured that I was missing all of the hidden signs of inner turmoil that I should be noticing. But he's in good shape. Life hasn't changed for him all that much. I won't be taking him to any more sessions.
As you might all guess, the situation is more difficult with Lindsey. I worry about that girl. She and Stace have always had a challenging relationship. (I'm not revealing any secrets that you all didn't already know.) Lindsey has a lot of resentment, and she aims it at me, which turns out to be a good thing, as I'll explain in a moment. She frequently tells me that she's mad because Stace moved out instead of me. My response is to acknowledge what she's saying and then to tickle her; in fact, when she said that to me before bed last night and I didn't tickle her right away, she was disappointed.
While meeting alone with the counselor, Lindsey made a list of her thoughts. I don't know most of what was on the list, which is fine, but the first thing she wrote was that she hates me. I know that looks alarming in print, but it's really not as dramatic as it seems. The counselor said it's actually a good sign that she says things like that to me. She needs to express her resentment somehow, and she feels safe saying things like that to me. She trusts me and knows I won't get upset. She later decided to soften her language and instead wrote a note saying that she doesn't like me as much as she loves Stace. Fair enough. That's just her way of expressing how much she misses her mom, and those feelings go back much further than just when Stace moved out of the house. Anyway, needless to say, there will be more sessions for Lindsey. There's a lot of turmoil in that blond head.
Just to put you at ease, the comments I mentioned above don't reflect our relationship in general. Most of the time, she's very happy with me, and we like to be around each other. I know she doesn't hate me, and I understand why she sometimes resents the fact that I'm there instead of Stace.
So that's the status of things. I won't generally be providing reports on Lindsey's counseling sessions, but I figured everyone would like to know how the kids are doing.
One other news item: I think we've finally figured out housing plans. The plan is to stay in our new house in the Farmington Ward and school district through the 2013-14 school year to give the kids some stability right now, and then we'll move back into our old house in the Lakeville Ward before the next school year begins. So, Gretchen, you've got one year to prepare the Lakeville Ward before another one of those "special project" families moves into the ward.
According to the counselor, Tanner is actually doing as well as he seems to be doing. He's always seemed fine to me, but I just figured that I was missing all of the hidden signs of inner turmoil that I should be noticing. But he's in good shape. Life hasn't changed for him all that much. I won't be taking him to any more sessions.
As you might all guess, the situation is more difficult with Lindsey. I worry about that girl. She and Stace have always had a challenging relationship. (I'm not revealing any secrets that you all didn't already know.) Lindsey has a lot of resentment, and she aims it at me, which turns out to be a good thing, as I'll explain in a moment. She frequently tells me that she's mad because Stace moved out instead of me. My response is to acknowledge what she's saying and then to tickle her; in fact, when she said that to me before bed last night and I didn't tickle her right away, she was disappointed.
While meeting alone with the counselor, Lindsey made a list of her thoughts. I don't know most of what was on the list, which is fine, but the first thing she wrote was that she hates me. I know that looks alarming in print, but it's really not as dramatic as it seems. The counselor said it's actually a good sign that she says things like that to me. She needs to express her resentment somehow, and she feels safe saying things like that to me. She trusts me and knows I won't get upset. She later decided to soften her language and instead wrote a note saying that she doesn't like me as much as she loves Stace. Fair enough. That's just her way of expressing how much she misses her mom, and those feelings go back much further than just when Stace moved out of the house. Anyway, needless to say, there will be more sessions for Lindsey. There's a lot of turmoil in that blond head.
Just to put you at ease, the comments I mentioned above don't reflect our relationship in general. Most of the time, she's very happy with me, and we like to be around each other. I know she doesn't hate me, and I understand why she sometimes resents the fact that I'm there instead of Stace.
So that's the status of things. I won't generally be providing reports on Lindsey's counseling sessions, but I figured everyone would like to know how the kids are doing.
One other news item: I think we've finally figured out housing plans. The plan is to stay in our new house in the Farmington Ward and school district through the 2013-14 school year to give the kids some stability right now, and then we'll move back into our old house in the Lakeville Ward before the next school year begins. So, Gretchen, you've got one year to prepare the Lakeville Ward before another one of those "special project" families moves into the ward.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Multiple calamities on multiple fronts
Several single-dad missteps today:
First, there's a convenience store right at my office. They do dry cleaning. Tanner and I both needed our suits cleaned, so I dropped them off earlier this week. I just realized today that I failed to pick them up yesterday. I have some slacks I can wear to church, but Tanner doesn't have many other options. We'll see what we can do.
Second, we all decided that life was just getting too darned easy for us, so we decided to make things interesting and invite the missionaries over for dinner, despite the fact that none of us can cook. We decided to buy a shrimp plate at the store so that we could have an appetizer. Well, it never crossed my mind that the shrimp was frozen and would need to thaw. It wasn't much of an appetizer, as you can probably guess.
Then we got to the main dish. Tanner had found a relatively easy recipe for fettuccine alfredo. Lindsey and I went shopping for the missing ingredients. The recipe said that it served four, so we doubled it, thinking that we'd have plenty of pasta. Well, when I was done cooking the pasta and the missionaries were already here, it was obvious that we were way short. I guess the recipe was assuming the pasta was a side dish, not the main dish. So our dinner with the missionaries included not only fettuccine alfredo, but it also microwaved taquitos and microwaved chicken bites. I guess the theme was Italian, Mexican, and American cuisine. I'm sure the missionaries will have something interesting to say about dinner to their mothers tomorrow when they talk to them for Mother's Day.
First, there's a convenience store right at my office. They do dry cleaning. Tanner and I both needed our suits cleaned, so I dropped them off earlier this week. I just realized today that I failed to pick them up yesterday. I have some slacks I can wear to church, but Tanner doesn't have many other options. We'll see what we can do.
Second, we all decided that life was just getting too darned easy for us, so we decided to make things interesting and invite the missionaries over for dinner, despite the fact that none of us can cook. We decided to buy a shrimp plate at the store so that we could have an appetizer. Well, it never crossed my mind that the shrimp was frozen and would need to thaw. It wasn't much of an appetizer, as you can probably guess.
Then we got to the main dish. Tanner had found a relatively easy recipe for fettuccine alfredo. Lindsey and I went shopping for the missing ingredients. The recipe said that it served four, so we doubled it, thinking that we'd have plenty of pasta. Well, when I was done cooking the pasta and the missionaries were already here, it was obvious that we were way short. I guess the recipe was assuming the pasta was a side dish, not the main dish. So our dinner with the missionaries included not only fettuccine alfredo, but it also microwaved taquitos and microwaved chicken bites. I guess the theme was Italian, Mexican, and American cuisine. I'm sure the missionaries will have something interesting to say about dinner to their mothers tomorrow when they talk to them for Mother's Day.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Disturbingly trendy
Back in my younger days (which were quite a long time ago), I used to have this running joke that I kept using long after it stopped being funny, if it ever was funny. Whenever anyone was having a baby boy, I would suggest that they name the baby "Ethan." Everyone knew this was a ridiculous suggestion because no one named their kid Ethan. It struck everyone as a really strange name, and no one would consider it. I only came across a few Ethans during the first part of my life.
Be careful what you wish for. Around fifteen years ago, the name Ethan suddenly became trendy. (I think I blogged about this a few years ago, but I'm too lazy to go back and look.) It's gotten so bad that it now usually makes the top five in popular baby names each year. In the hospital closest to our home, it was the number one name last year. Now that my dream has come true, I've realized that it's not so cool. I liked having a unique name. Now I'm just one of many in a crowd. At least I'll always know that I was there first.
Be careful what you wish for. Around fifteen years ago, the name Ethan suddenly became trendy. (I think I blogged about this a few years ago, but I'm too lazy to go back and look.) It's gotten so bad that it now usually makes the top five in popular baby names each year. In the hospital closest to our home, it was the number one name last year. Now that my dream has come true, I've realized that it's not so cool. I liked having a unique name. Now I'm just one of many in a crowd. At least I'll always know that I was there first.
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